Day 9: June 18th, 2009
Of all the posts that I've made on this blog, this is by far the hardest. It's not just because it was an incredibly long day (15 hours walking) with lots of things to talk about, it's because I don't remember half of it! In fact, if it wasn't for my video camera I would have a hard time piecing it together at all. Perhaps it was so awful my memory has simply blocked it out, or perhaps, like child birth, it's a pain that you soon forget...
We set off for the summit just before midnight. I'd love to tell you that we are feeling confident and happy but I'd be lying through my teeth. In reality, Palma is losing her patience with her iPod and I'm already cursing the slow, stop-start pace; it's the Barranco Wall all over again. Paul tells me later that all he can hear for the first twenty minutes is me swearing at him.
The temperature tonight is unseasonably warm, hovering just below zero. I feel very toasty in my down jacket but Paul and Palma are burning up already, having put on far too many layers.
What is truly miraculous is that for the first couple of hours we manage to stay together as a group. I was worried about large gaps opening up between us but every time we stop for a break I'm relieved to discover that we are still packed together, giving each other plenty of support and encouragement. I notice that some people are suffering a lot more than I am. In fact, unless my memory is playing tricks on me, I feel pretty good for the first few hours. However, rumours begin to circulate that two of our party are in trouble: Brian has injured his back, while Lorna is suffering from asthma, but it's difficult to work out the details.
The biggest help to me on summit night is my iPod. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without it. Sadly, I didn't find the time to construct the perfect playlist for my climb so I'm forced to put it on shuffle mode for the duration. My iPod is inaccessible inside my layers so I have to listen to whatever it throws at me. Occasionally, I am amused by a tune that seems either incredibly apt ('King of the Mountain' by Kate Bush) or wholly inappropriate ('Breathing' by Kate Bush).
I am, however, convinced of one thing: the real reason why you climb to Kili's summit in the dark isn't anything to do with the temperature freezing the scree or anything technical like that. No, it's because if you did it in daylight, and you could actually see the top, your mind and body would refuse to even try.
When you look up you think you can the stars twinkling overhead. And then you realise they aren't stars at all - they are head torches. It's a difficult moment to get to grips with.
I would love to tell you that the one thing that kept me going that night was the thought of all the people back home who had sponsored me. But if I'm really honest, the thing that really kept me going was the hatred (yes, hatred!) I felt for all those people who didn't sponsor me. For over an hour I'm consumed by so much anger and disappointment (you know who you are) it fires me up to keep on going. That'll show 'em.
And then the dawn comes.
It's a magical moment that delivers on all the promises Karsten made back at the briefing. The light from the sun gives you just enough hope to push on. And then I realise that I have absolutely no idea where Paul or Palma are. I sense that they are still somewhere below me but it's impossible to be certain. I have no choice but to carry on without them...
The last two hours seem to go on forever. I can see Stella Point now and I can just make out a small group of people at the top, leaning over the ridge, watching us ascend. Under normal conditions the last push to Stella would take about 15-20 minutes to climb but at this altitude, with your body already racked with exhaustion and emotion, it takes much, much longer. Looking back at the video footage now it must appear faintly ridiculous to anyone who wasn't there. Why are they taking so long? It's only a few meters. How unfit are they?
One step. Rest. One step. Rest. One step. Rest. Repeat for two hours.
When I finally reach Stella Point (5756m) I discover that at least half of our group are already there. I walk around feeling bewildered for a bit and then I start to worry about my friends. If they don't arrive in the next fifteen minutes I will be forced to continue to Uhuru Peak without them.
I look down and spot Paul making his last push to Stella and I'm overjoyed. But where the hell is Palma?
I can vividly remember standing next to Cathy, scanning the landscape below me, becoming more and more agitated with every passing second. How can I possibly go to the summit without Palma? After everything we've been through it just wouldn't be right. I remember Karsten's warning to us at the briefing: if you stop for too long at Stella you will not have the energy to continue to the highest point.
The floodgates open and I'm in hysterics. I curse myself. I should have stayed with her. I shouldn't have been so bloody selfish. I should have made sure she was OK. What kind of 'buddy-buddy' am I?
And then I see her. She's a tiny speck in the distance but it's definitely her. It's an agonising wait but when she finally crosses the finishing line I'm overcome with relief. But she can only rest for a few short minutes if she's going to accompany us to the summit and to her eternal credit she gets back on her feet and my dream comes true. Here we are, Paul, Palma and myself, all heading for Uhuru. Together. Just like we promised we would. Yeah, I'm crying again.
As we set off, we pass a porter who is guiding a climber back down. It suddenly dawns on me that this climber has gone blind, and for a brief moment I think to myself, what the hell are we doing here?
The hour long walk to Uhuru takes on a dream-like quality. Paul has withdrawn into himself and he staggers ahead of us in a world of his own. Palma is really struggling now. She tells me that she's going to be sick and she looks terrible: tired, pale and confused. But we can finally see the sign. We can see the summit! It would be impossible for us to turn back now. Wouldn't it?
The final thirty minutes really takes its toll. Palma is weaving erratically as we head inexorably towards our goal. I'm either crying or shouting into my camera. Or both. It's a surreal and overwhelming time.
And then, accompanied by a mild splattering of applause, we've made it.
I hug Palma, overwhelmed by relief and joy. We have our picture taken and then we stagger around for a bit, trying to take it all in. To be completely honest, I'm bemused by the whole thing and this is where my memory begins to cloud over.
My one big regret is that we didn't get a photo with Paul.
Suddenly, my whole body screams at me - you have to go down, NOW!
And then comes the moment that no one ever warns you about. In my research for this trip I was always amazed that there was never any video footage on YouTube that showed what it was like getting back down to Barafu camp. And now I know why.
I set off back the way we came but I make the fatal mistake of setting out on my own. I'm already out of water, my energy bars have all been consumed, and I'm more tired than I've ever been in my entire life. The next hour is a blur of pain and frustration and I know I'm in deep trouble. It's as if my brain and my body simply switched off as soon as I touched that bloody sign.
Paul finds me sitting on a rock, sobbing.
And then our roles are reversed. A few days ago I helped him make it back to camp and today he does the very same thing for me. I don't know how I would have reached safety without him. Those two hours are the hardest of my life. I just don't have anything left to give. My knees are buckling and my head is spinning, but 13 hours after we first set out I'm back at Barafu. Thanks Paul, I'll never forget what you did for me that morning.
I immediately head for my tent and strip down to my underwear. The amount of heat coming off me is phenomenal. I phone my wife to tell her the good news and then I cry again. For a very long time. The doctor comes to check on me and I'm told to rehydrate myself.
Palma makes it back a few minutes later and she looks fantastic compared to me. I learn that all of us made it to Stella Point but that Lorna and Brian arrived too late to make the summit. But given the fact that they made it to that point given their respective conditions still seems miraculous to me (in the end Brian is stretched back down to the camp).
I try to sleep but it's impossible. I try to eat some lunch but that's impossible too. I just want to rest for a week but then I remember that the day isn't over yet. We have another 3 hour walk to our next camp. Why? That's the only coherent response that I can muster.
So, exhausted, sick and starving, I leave Barafu for our final camp. I should be elated and proud of my achievement but all I really want to do is curl up and die.
When we reach Millennium Camp there is an opportunity to buy a cold beer or a coke but all I care about is getting into my tent. I decide to skip dinner and immediately slip into the deepest sleep of my life...
Highest Point Reached Today: 5895m (19,340ft)!!!
Millennium Camp Altitude: 3750m (12,300ft)
A short video of the summit attempt will be posted this weekend...
Neil
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