The Loneliness of the Short Distance Straggler

I went on my very first "run" today.

The plan was to start gently with a little jog around a simple two mile circuit, and after spending three hours procrastinating over the perfect iPod shuffle playlist, I was finally ready to begin my training. For some bizarre reason the world's press didn't turn up to wave me off.

The first quarter mile felt pretty good but then I reached the neighbouring farm where they appear to be genetically altering the smell of manure until it can actually stop a human being in their tracks. I've been told that I should practice breathing through my nose but that would be tantamount to suicide under these conditions. And you think Paula Radcliffe had trouble with poo...

By the time I reached the half-way mile mark my lungs were screaming at me to stop this bloody nonsense. Even the theme from Rocky blaring through my headphones couldn't help me. It shames me to admit this but I had to walk back.  Pathetic.

I knew that I was chronically unfit but this is ridiculous. When I returned home I was a hacking up phlegm and hyperventilating so badly, I almost asked Sue to break out the emergency bacofoil.

I finished the whole "experience" with a quick shower, a quick vomit and a very long nap.

Luckily for me, most Kilimanjaro training schedules that I've downloaded (and there are hundreds of them) all suggest a 12-14 week regime. I've got 19 weeks until the big day. This gives me a whole month to get myself into a position where a simple jog won't kill me.

I also managed to get in some less orthodox training this morning when I accompanied my daughter and her boyfriend to a clay pigeon shoot. I spent about 90 minutes standing in a large puddle until my feet resembled two blocks of ice.

Irritating beyond belief but strangely helpful.

Neil

Comments

[DamonD]

Ugh, running is such a pain...walking, no problem even at a brisk pace. I can do a dozen miles in one go fine. But ask me to run even a single mile and it's awful, I can perform up to a certain level then anything above that and it's gone.

Brave heart, Neil ;)